The Madness Returns Again
by A.Fox
Summary: Here dear readers is my second collection of fan made Monty Python Sketches.
1. Intro

(Hello readers I hope you'll enjoy this new Fic remember I only own Ocs and original ideas)

(We see a biplane performing several barnstorming maneuvers, we zoom in on it and see that it's piloted by the It's Man.)

It's Man: It's…

Voice: Monty Python's Flying Circus…once again

(show animated intro)

(and once again that was small but the next chapter will be larger.)


	2. Judge Gumby Sketch

(Wasn't that just great ladies and gentlemen…wait a minute I have something I just KNOW you're going to love (fanfare) yep that's right coming right up the Judge Gumby Sketch (more fanfare).)

(P.S I don't own Monty Python…if I did I'd be a very rich dude.)

**JUDGE GUMBY/TRIAL OF THE SPANSH INQUISITION SKETCH**

(Open up to a courtroom we see everything you expect to see in an average courtroom.)

Bailiff: all rise

(Everyone rises.)

Bailiff: his Excellency Judge Gumby G. Gumby III

(a Gumby wearing his hat over a judge's wig stomps in and takes his seat in the judge's chair.)

Gumby: (grabs gavel and slams it down) guilty As sin he gets the death sentence.

District Attorney (actually Eric Praline from the Dead Parrot Sketch): but your honor we haven't brought in the plaintiffs yet.

Gumby: I don't care those TV Producers won't get away with showing bad shows any longer.

D.A.: TV Producers?

Gumby: well of course aren't they on trail?

D.A.: your honor the Spanish Inquisition is on trail.

Gumby: oh, well then send the bastards in.

(The Spanish Inquisition (consisted of cardinals Ximenez, Biggles, and Fang) walks in escorted by bobbies. They are then put in the plaintiff box.)

Gumby: now then other then standing in water what are the charges?

D.A.: (pulls out a scroll that's as long as a roll of toilet paper) your honor these men are wanted for attempting to torture dozens of people they're also extremely incompetent.

Gumby: what about standing in water?

D.A.: my lord that isn't an offense.

Gumby: but I thought that there's a tax on people standing in water.

D.A.: as hard to believe as it is, not everything you see on television is true.

Gumby: you mean you can't go to Heaven by buying Wizzo Butter?

D.A.: that's right my lord.

Gumby oh shit now I'll have to sue them.

D.A.: with no due respect your Excellency I think we should get back to the case.

Gumby: fine then.

D.A.: bring in the witness.

(Raymond Luxury Yacht walks in and takes his seat in the witness box.)

D.A.: now Mr. Raymond Luxury Yacht…

Raymond: you're pronouncing it wrong.

D.A.: what?

Raymond: it's spelled Raymond Luxury Yacht but it's pronounced Throatwobbler Mangrove

D.A.: now listen here mister Luxury Yacht that may be acceptable on TV but this is a courtroom nothing here is supposed to be silly.

Raymond: well then what's he doing here?

(Raymond points at a loony sitting in the back row.)

D.A.: that's not important, he is only here as a character witness.

Raymond: well what am I?

D.A.: out of this court now BEAT IT

(Raymond bolts out of the room.)

D.A.: next witness please

(Sir Walter Scott walks in and sits down in the witness box.)

D.A.: now mister Scott is it true you wrote Ivanhoe?

Scott: no I didn't write that…it sounds more like Dickens.

Charles Dickens: (stands up from his seat in the audience) you bastard.

Scott: why does he always do that?

D.A.: (ignores him) and what did the Spanish Inquisition think of it?

Scott: oh that, I was sitting around my house one day when I says 'I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition' all casual like and then they burst in and accuse me of…what was it again?

Cardinal Fang: (unrolls scroll) he was guilty of writing Ivanhoe which is a terrible book thus committing heresy against the Holy Church (prepares to do a funky dance before Cardinal Ximenez stops him.)

Scott: yeah all that stuff then they tried to torture me w-w-with cushions of all things.

D.A.: so you admit they tried to torture you.

Scott: well what else could it have bloody been?

D.A.: well I think you've used enough time SEND IN THE FINAL WITNESS.

(Scott leaves the stands and Mr. Nudge replaces him.)

D.A.: so Mr. Nudge is it true you encountered the Spanish Inquisition?

Nudge: oh yes last night someone in my apartment said 'I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition' and they burst through and started tying people up…not that I would have minded.

D.A.: what do you mean?

Nudge: oh you know tying people up (winks)

D.A.: Mr. Nudge I have no idea what your talking about.

Nudge : you know tying people up.

D.A.: Mr. Nudge are you a deviant?

Nudge: oh no, no, no…well yes.

D.A.: and this tying someone up business is sexual in nature yes?

Nudge: yep.

D.A.: I see (pulls out gun) I'm afraid that if you do not leave this courtroom I shall have to shoot you.

Nudge: WHAT WHY?

D.A.: for being a deviant.

Nudge: (shrugs) oh well at least your reasonable about it (runs out)

D.A.: (puts gun away) alright now that all the witnesses have gone…

Raymond: (runs back in) excuse me.

D.A.: (groans) what is it this time Mr. Luxury Yacht?

Raymond: I thought you said the Loony was a witness?

D.A.: he isn't a witness for this trial it's someone else's.

Raymond: oh (leaves)

D.A.: now before the judge passes sentence does the Spanish Inquisition have anything to say?

Ximenez: yes I do our chief weapons are…

D.A.: I mean something other then nonsense.

Ximenez: well nothing then.

Biggles: is anyone here a poof?

Courtroom: NO

Biggles: just checking.

(fade to black screen with words "ONE VERDICT LATER" before opening up again.)

Gumby: I found the bastards guilty and so sentence them TO DEATH.

(The Spanish Inquisition faints.)

D.A.: but my lord that was the sentence going to "Unspeakably Violent Jack, the bull buggering beast killer, of no fixed abode."

Gumby: you mean the dwarf?

D.A.: yes.

Gumby: fine then I sentence them…TO APPEAR IN THE NEXT THREE SKETCHES.

(cut to Ximenez answers some letters.)


	3. Ximenez Answers some letters

(And now ladies and gentlemen here is a sketch I call…Ximenez answers some letters.)

**XIMENEZ ANSWERS SOME LETTERS**

**(Cardinal Ximenez is shown to be sitting behind a desk that has a lot of letters on it.)**

**Ximenez : good evening heresy committing sons of…(man off-screen pokes him with a stick) alright fine I'll get on with it (pulls a letter out, opens it, and reads it), 'Dear sirs, my husband hasn't been giving me good treatment in bed, what should I do? Signed yours truly Alotta Fagina. P.S. I have never slept with Jay Leno.' (puts letter down) miss Fagina in my personal opinion you should BURN YOUR HUSBAND AT THE STAKE BUT FIRST MAKE HIM CONFESS BWAHAHAHA.**

**(two thugs rush in and beat him up, the screen fades to black and we see the words "FIVE MINUTES LATER. We reopen and see that Ximenez has a bandaged head.)**

**Ximenez: now for the next letter (pulls a letter out, opens it, and reads it),'Dear sir my Mom refused to get me a pony for my birthday, what should I do? Signed John Le F***** age 4.' (puts letter down) the same thing I'd do TRY HER FOR HERESY (man pokes him with stick off-screen) alright I'll shut up…jeeze (pulls a letter out, opens it, and reads it) 'Dear sir, I suspect my wife is checking on me what should I do? Signed Eric Galore.' (Puts letter down) easy ship her to South Park with rest of those heresy committing bastards.**

**Author: (pops up out of nowhere) no offense to South Park fans.**

**Ximenez: who the F*** are you?**

**Author: I'm the Author.**

**Ximenez: well scram this is my sketch.**

**Author: but I wrote it.**

**Ximenez: what?**

**Author: I wrote the sketch.**

**Ximenez: well it's my sketch so bugger off.**

**Author : alright but you'll be sorry (walks off-screen).**

**Ximenez: finally now that he's gone I can get something done (pulls a letter out, opens it, and reads it), 'Dear sir, a knight is constantly hitting me with a chicken what should I do? Signed Arthur Pewty' (puts it away) easy you…**

**(The Knight-Hits-People-With-A-Chicken, rushes in and knocks Ximenez out. He walks out and the Author walks in.)**

**Author: and now for something completely different (explodes but we can still hear his voice) don't worry I'm okay.**


	4. Biggles Strikes Back

(Was that great or what? Wait a minute here's a new Sketch.)

**BIGGLES STRIKES BACK**

**(opens to shot of two people in office)**

**First Man: so what do we do today?**

**Second Man: I don't know.**

**Biggles: (bursts in brandishing a machine gun) alright where's the bastard judge.**

**First Man: sir this isn't the Old Baily.**

**Biggles: it isn't?**

**First man: yes that's correct.**

**Biggles: fine (runs out of room).**

**(cut to airplane cockpit, we see two pilots I it when Mr. Badger barges in.)**

**Mr. Badger: this is a hijacking I demand…**

**Biggles: (bursts in with machine gun and accidentally clobbers Badger) alright you bastard come out.**

**Pilot: who the hell are you?Biggles: I am Cardinal Biggles of the Spanish Inquisition and I have came to the Old Baily kill the judge that sentenced me to appear in a sketch.**

**Pilot: but sir this is an airplane not the Old Baily.**

**Biggles: sorry (leaves).**

**(Cuts to café, looking peaceful with customers enjoying their food when Biggles bursts in with machine gun).**

**Biggles: come on out judge you can't escape me this time.**

**Waiter: (walks in) sir I am afraid you are mistaken the Old Baily is that way (points in some random direction).**

**Biggles: (astonished) how did you know what I was looking for?**

**Waiter: I read the script.**

**Biggles: oh that makes sense (leaves).**

**(cut to the courtroom with Judge Gumby.)**

**Gumby: now mister unspeakably violent Jack…**

**Biggles: (bursts in) there you are bastard and now…**

**Gumby: no need to kill me sir you already carried out your part of the sentence.**

**Biggles: what do you mean?**

**Gumby: I mean you've already acted in the sketch.**

**Biggles: oh shit.**

**(cut to letter)**

**Letter: Dear sir, I would like to complain about the presence of meta human on your show they are as evil as sin and most be destroyed yours etc. The Fury P.S. If you see Jim Jaspers tell him me and my pet shotgun would like to have a word with him…**


	5. The Speech Therapy Sketch

(And here is the Speech Therapy Sketch.)

(Cuts to Speech Therapy office with a doctor talking to Cardinal Fang.)

Doctor: now Mister Fang could you please say hamburger.

Fang: (in funny accent) hamburger.

Doctor: that was okay but could you say it in a way that makes more sense.

Fang: (quicker but still in funny accent) hamburger.

Doctor: no I mean without a confusing accent.

Fang: (in Southern accent) hamburger.

Doctor: no I mean speak without accent.

Fang: (glares) F*** off.

(Fang leaves the room.)

Doctor: (shouts) NEXT PATIENT.

(Alistair Crowley walks in.)Crowley: beloved fraters and sorors…

Doctor: sorry sir but this isn't your sketch.

Crowley: oops (walks out.)

Doctor: NEW PATIENT.

(Beatnik walks in.)

Doctor: now tell me what you did today.

Beatnik: well jive rive snive, daddio. My man Jack he say Minnie never mooched and cat cool as ice.

Author: (off screen) his statement has been translated as "I went to the store to get milk."

Doctor: could you please say that in a way that makes more sense?

Beatnik: Groovy Sachs man he blew explodes so goo n' grue blue glue cerebrospinal spew.

Author: (still off screen) his statement has been translated as "screw you I'm going home."

(Beatnik walks out and we cut to letter.)

Letter: Dear cats, I'd like to complain your portrayal of us beatniks on your show…It's not groovy man signed Jack Kerouac P.S. Have you squares seen Neal anywhere?


	6. Uncton

(And now the final sketch of this Fic.)

**THE RETURN OF DAVID UNCTON (THE MOST SARCASTIC QUEER IN THE WORLD.)**

**(Open up to Uncton's show where we see him reading "Physique" magazine, he hurriedly puts it away when he realizes he's being watched.)**

**Uncton: well that was fun wasn't it.**

**(Cut to Napoleon.)**

**Napoleon: not a bit you poof.**

**Uncton: oh look who's talking.**

**Napoleon: look my plans are so foolproof that not even queer could screw them up.**

**Uncton: I don't know queers can screw an awful lot of things.**

**Napoleon: what?**

**Uncton: oh nothing (gestures to someone off stage and a thug runs by and beats up Napoleon) now then…**

**Alester Crowley: (walks in) beloved frators and sorors…**

**Uncton: still isn't your sketch asshole.**

**Crowley: shit (walks out.)**

**Uncton: and now…**

**Viking: (walks in) hey fairy.**

**Uncton: Oh what the F*** is it?**

**Viking: where's my ax?**

**Uncton: how the hell would I know where your ax is?**

**Viking: because you're a…**

**Uncton: (finishes for him) fairy yes I know.**

**Viking: fine then (leaves.)**

**Uncton: And now…**

**Colonel: (walks in) I just want to say that since interrupting him is a silly thing no one else will do it so there (leaves.)**

**Uncton: and now…ladies and gentlemen the Author.**

**(The Author walks in and takes his seat.)**

**Spectator: throw the bum out.**

**Author: (whips out gun and shoots the spectator) take that asshole.**

**Uncton: now mister Fox…**

**Author: oh call me A**

**Unction: okay Mr. A…**

**Steve Ditko: (storms in and shoots Uncton in the knee) take that jerk.**

**Unction: what the Hell was that for?**

**Steve Ditko: copyright infringement you bastard (leaves.)**

**Unction: alright then Mr. Fox.**

**Author: ah screw you both I'm going home (leaves.)**

**Uncton: riiiiight now introducing Michel Jackson.**

**Michel Jackson: (walks in an sits down in a chair) hello everyone.**

**Uncton: now Mr. Jackson I'm here with this new information that you have been proved to not be a pedophile yes?**

**Jackson: yep.**

**Uncton: that you're just a loopy guy you thinks he's Peter Pan.**

**Jackson: no I don't I AM Peter Pan.**

**Uncton: prove it.**

**Jackson: okay (opens window) I'm gonna fly all I have to do is think happy thoughts (jumps out after a few seconds we hear a crash and we hear him yell) I'M OKAY.**

**Uncton: well now that he's gone I would like to introduce you to Italian Schizoid Boy the Author's friend…or ISB for short.**

**ISB: (walks in and takes his seat) hello**

**Uncton: so mister Schizoid boy I understand you'll be appearing in an upcoming fanfic.**

**ISB: oh yeah I will be appearing in the Author's Hero Exchange Program as a continuity cop.**

**Uncton: anything else?**

**ISB: just that furry girls are better then regular girls here take a look.**

**(ISB shows Unction a picture that the viewer doesn't when he sees it the table he's sitting at tilts a few inches hint, hint.) ]**

**Uncton: I just became bisexual.**


	7. Ending

(And here readers is the final chapter I hop you like it.)

(We see the It's Man with his landed biplane he runs off into the distance only to be hit by a child's tricycle we then cut to Alistair Crowley's profess house.)

Alistair Crowley: (walks in) beloved frators and sorors…

(a shot is heard ad he slumps over dead the Author then walks in.)Author: that was surprisingly easier then I thought it would be.

(Bobbies burst in)

Chief: freeze your under arrest.

Author: what for?

Chief: the murder of Alistair Crowley.

Author: (yelling) BUT HE WAS A F****** SATANIST.

Chief: that doesn't make it right.

Author: geez first they don't the death sentence very much and now this? What next Jack the Ripper gets declared innocent? (Runs off)

(We see the Author run off into the distance with the Police close behind the words "THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THE POLICE ARE A BUNch OF F****** P******…oh and don't shoot Satanists unless you get a permit (which this bounder forgot to get)" appears on the screen before fading to black with the words the end.


End file.
